This
time of year can be tough on anyone who’s single, but those who were married
and now are not—for them it can be especially hard. “Newly single daters feel
down around the holidays because everything about the holidays centers on the
traditional view of family togetherness,” says Leah Klungness, a psychologist
from Long Island, NY, and co-author of The Complete Single Mother.
“The
media images of happy families gathered about the Christmas tree, parents
lovingly laying out toys from Santa, couples embracing in a romantic
setting—all create the impression that everyone else belongs to a loving family
and is half of a loving and committed couple,” she says. That makes it easy for
you to feel like you’re the biggest exception to that on the whole planet.
But
you don’t have to be low during the holidays. We've come up with 10 tips for
beating those blues — or at least keeping them from beating you — so you can
socialize and enjoy the holidays without a spouse.
Make
some changes
“A
big life change, like suddenly finding yourself single, allows you to redefine
the holidays more to your personal liking rather than constantly needing to
respond to the demands of others,” Klungness notes. “If you hate to bake, then
why do it? Are you flooded with paperwork at your job? This might explain why
you describe holiday cards as ‘another big job I need to get out of the way.’”
This year, don’t do anything just because you think you should. Instead, do
what you truly enjoy.
Mix
and jingle
“After
I left my husband, I wasn’t looking forward to the holidays,” recalls Nancy
Prefontaine of Scottsdale, AZ. “But another newly-single friend and I hosted a
holiday mixer for all our single friends. It was fun—and there was no feeling
sorry for ourselves because no couples were allowed. By the end, we were all in
the holiday spirit”
Practice
gratitude
“Make
a gratitude list of all the great things that are in your life right now,”
notes Diana Kirschner, psychologist and love coach in the Love in 90 Days Boot
Camp TV show. “Make a pay-back visit where you go to someone who helped you a lot
and give them a thank-you gift. Research shows that these steps help create
happiness.”
Focus
on family
“My
wife had the kids last Christmas, so I went home to my parents and spent the
week catching up with old friends and family who also were home for the
holidays,” says Thom Englund of Boston. “It was nice to be able to focus on
people I don’t get to see much and re-establish relationships.”
Do
good
Volunteer
during the holidays at places such as a nursing home, soup kitchen or animal
shelter. “It’s a great way to counterbalance any blue feelings you may have,”
says Steve Kemble, star of the Style Network’s Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? and
ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Wedding Edition. “Additionally, helping others is
always a wonderful way to make you feel better about yourself, while at the
same time making others feel better about themselves. There is no better
feeling than brightening someone else's life.”
Get
away
“After
my husband died, I just couldn’t face our home during the holidays,” says Suze
Hernandez of Fresno. “So I decided to give myself the gift of travel. I spent
Christmas and New Years in Hawaii and the escape was just what I needed to
start the next year full of hope instead of despair.”
Exercise
“It’s
important to get sufficient exercise,” says Judy Bolton, therapist and
co-author of When Did You Know... He Was Not The One? “It has been
scientifically documented that exercise stimulates the endorphins which send a
calming effect throughout our bodies.” Plus, you might meet someone cute and
available at the gym.
Unclutter
“My
wife died around the holidays and I spent that time going through her
things—and mine,” explains Carl Means of Knoxville. “Now I use the end of the
year to clean out my closets and cabinets. I get a feeling of accomplishment
and clarity.”
Think
positive
“For
my friends who insist that staying home will make them feel better, I always
recommend that they write down 25 positive things about themselves,” Kemble
says. “Trust me, you will end up feeling so much better about yourself.”
Indulge
“Over
Christmas vacation, I take advantage of all the guilty pleasures my ex
despised,” admits Sarah Dukes of Chicago. “I catch up on soaps, check in on the
Real World marathon, and whip out my K-Tel 70s music compendium. It’s hard to
feel sorry for yourself when you’re doing something this ridiculous.”
Following
this advice will help you keep the holiday blues at bay so you can head into
2009 with a positive outlook—and ready to find love.
...Margot
Carmichael Lester
courtesy
of Match.com
happen...because
love doesn't come with instructions
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