Dating & the busybody neighbors

Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched

If I happen to put out more than one trash bag at the curb, my neighbor will ask me how my small family could possibly produce so much garbage. When I bought a new car, she wanted to know if I’d gotten a raise.

One evening I got home from a date with James, she emailed me to say she knew him from the office and “fully approved” of my choice in men. It’s like having my own personal Gladys Kravitz, except this isn’t “Bewitched.” It’s my life and I am not amused.

Busybodies, Meddlers, Gossips, Yentas; Call them whatever you want, they still drive me crazy. You know exactly who I mean. It’s the aunt who insists she only has your best interests at heart when she asks you whether the person you’re dating makes enough money to warrant serious consideration. It’s the neighbor who just happens to be outside trimming the hedges when your date arrives at the doorstep. It’s the co-worker who happens to catch you browsing dating profiles online (hey—you were on your lunch hour) and now insists on knowing everything about your romantic pursuits.

So how do you deal with the scrutiny, the questions, the intense and unrelenting fascination with your post-divorce dating adventures? I wanted to know, too, so I talked with a handful of experts to get their best advice. Here you go:

Establish some distance

You can start by trying out a little bemused detachment. Distance yourself by taking on a psychotherapist’s perspective. In other words, understand what makes meddlers tick, and you might actually be able to replace that raging hostility with a dose of empathy for the poor loser who has nothing better to do than probe your love life. Realize that a nosy person often has an agenda, says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry. “Nosy people might wish they were divorced, too—or wish they could experience a dating life.” Barash’s advice is simple: “Don’t let them live vicariously through you.”

Sure, you may fantasize about starting fresh in a new city where no one knows you, but since moving out of town to escape yentas is rarely an option, you’ll need to create your own portable veil of privacy. Think of it as functioning like the tinted windows of a limousine except it’s more of an attitude than anything else.

To that end, Barash recommends you find new friends who probably won’t have as intense an interest in your love life. “Try to break away from the old crowd and meet new people who don’t know everyone in your world,” she says. “Now is the time to try to branch out.” In my case, incidentally, I started hanging with an artsy theatre crowd, nothing like the suburban housewives of my married life, and I did notice that I wasn’t as plagued by social archeologists, looking to excavate juicy details of my single life.

Just dodge ’em

It’s helpful to remind yourself that you are a grownup and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn’t mean you owe that person an answer—especially if it’s one that is too personal in nature. Try to learn the “art of being vague,” advises Donna Sozio, author of Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers. “A subtle and dismissive, ‘Oh, you know’ works every time,” says Sozio. “Smile knowingly, yet do not respond to the question. Without the energy of your response to feed on, your busybody will move on.”

Joke about it

Another technique, though I’m not sure I have the guts to try it, is to disarm the busybody with humor. Ross Jeffries, a former comedy writer and self-described “arrogant S.O.B,” says if someone asks him something like, “Who were you with the other night?” he responds with one of the following goofy comebacks:

• “I don’t know. I make it a policy to NEVER ask their names.”
• “My imaginary friend… wait, you can see her, too?”
• “I’m interviewing for (name of ex goes here)’s replacement. That was some temporary help.”
• “Why do you want to know? Are you hot for me?”
• “Oh, that’s just my court-appointed therapist. We’re working on my rage disorder.”

Disarm them with a question

My favorite advice, and the one I am most likely to use, comes from Aileen McCabe-Maucher, RN, MSW, LCSW (www.innerpeacediet.com). “I encourage clients to handle inappropriate questions by smiling broadly and confidently asking the nosy person ‘Why do you want to know?’” That’s the kind of response that usually stops yentas in their tracks, “requiring the offender to focus on himself or herself instead of you.”

If all else fails, says McCabe-Maucher, set a firm boundary and say, “I want to keep that information private now. I will let you know something when and if I am ready to discuss it.” Say it in a calm, not hostile voice, and the unwelcome “third degree” interrogations should end.

…Sarah Susannah Katz
courtesy of Match.com

because love doesn’t come with instructions