Author Ian Kerner, Ph.D., answers your questions about love, sex and how to find success on the dating scene.
Q: What preparation should you make for a perfect date?
Ian: Be prepared to listen, to be interested, and to give someone a chance.
Q: Do men fear dating women in their mid to late 30s because we seem so eager to settle down and start a family? I feel like there’s a stigma attached to women in this age range.
Ian: It is very true that women in their 30s are often interested in settling down and having a family and finding a mate and partner in life. But, in my experience, many, many men are looking for the same thing. In the end, a guy is really looking for a partner, someone he can connect with emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
Q: Isn’t it better to refrain from having sex until you have dated at least three months?
Ian: I wouldn’t think about it in terms of time, but in terms of the development of the relationship and the intensity of your feelings for each other. But, yes, if you like the person, there’s certainly no downside to waiting a bit.
Q: I work a lot of hours and don’t meet a lot of people; also, I live in a small town. I’m not crazy about the prospect of Internet dating, so how else do I put myself out there to meet single men?
Ian: First, try to examine why you’re reluctant to try Internet dating, because the Internet is really just a tool and it’s an incredibly powerful tool. So I would encourage you to harness this power. Secondly… when you’re living in a small town it’s easy to do the same thing day after day, week after week, year after year. You may live in a small town, but that doesn’t mean you can’t lead a rich and varied life and find ways to expand your boundaries.
Q: Is there proper etiquette on a first date (e.g., drink, movie or 5-star dinner)?
Ian: The best thing for a first date is to meet in a relaxed environment, like a coffee shop, a local bar, somewhere that you’re comfortable where you can spend enough time with the person to get to know them, but you’re not under pressure to spend an entire evening with that person.
Q: A lot of divorced men over 50 don’t want to get married again, but we also don’t want to play the field. How can I find women who share that point of view?
Ian: You should be trying to find people who are at your peer level and roughly in your age group. You should be very straightforward and honest about what you’re looking for in a companion. Online dating is a great way to be very specific in your profile and you can be very targeted in your search for companionship.
Q: Should women offer to pay the bill on a first date?
Ian: Many women have told me that they do offer to pay for the date, but if a guy actually allows them to, they often lose respect for that guy. So, I would say only offer to pay for the date if you genuinely won’t hold it against him.
Q: I don’t really make a very good first impression… how can I keep a fellow interested long enough to see past that?
Ian: Very often, when we don’t make a good first impression, more than anything it’s because we’re nervous and because we’re afraid of rejection. So, I would say to make a better first impression, you need to get comfortable and get over the nervousness and fear of rejection.
Q: I believe that I know exactly what I am looking for in a partner. Am I wrong to not go out with someone if they don’t fit this? I am not talking physical.
Ian: It’s good to know what you want in someone, but it’s important to also let yourself be surprised and to be open. So many people who have found lasting love have said that they were surprised at who they, ultimately, fell in love with. So, give yourself a chance to be surprised.
Q: Why do I keep hearing all this stuff about being mysterious to a woman? Why can’t I just show her how I feel?
Ian: Sometimes, guys are too enthusiastic and reveal too much about themselves too quickly. So, it’s not a question of having to be some sort of mysterious guy, but maybe being a little less exuberant right out of the gate, and not feeling like you have to get everything about yourself out there on a third date.
Q: I am divorced and have two kids living with me. As soon as the guys know that I have kids, they leave me. What can I do?
Ian: Many men are justifiably concerned about dating a woman with children from a previous marriage. It means, potentially, being a stepfather and all the responsibilities and dramas that are connected to that. While I believe that you will find someone and have every right to find someone, you should respect that it’s not the right situation for every guy. Don’t let the situation bum you out, drag you down or cast a shadow over a date. So many men and women are divorced and re-divorced and come to dating with their particular sets of baggage.
Q: If things go well on the first date, should you make plans for the second date or phone the next day?
Ian: There’s certainly nothing wrong, whether you’re a man or a woman, in picking up the phone and letting the person know you had a good time. On that call, you don’t even necessarily have to suggest a second date. And you certainly don’t have to get specific about the details and logistics of a second date. It’s enough that you picked up the phone and said “Hey, that was great. I had a lot of fun and I hope you’re having a great day.”
Q: How do you give men the message that you are not ready for any type of physical contact?
Ian: You just need to be clear and confident and not feel pressure to be physical just because somebody else may have the desire to get physical. You could certainly see it as a compliment. You can thank them for the attention. And you can say “I’m not interested in getting physical at this point.”
Q: How do I know if he’s my soul mate?
Ian: I think soul mate is a dangerous word. It makes me think of Hollywood happy endings. It makes me think of words like fate and destiny. And, in truth, relationships are really hard work. So I would say instead of looking for The One, put yourself in situations where you are meeting many and find somebody who you are very compatible with, who makes you laugh, who is interested in you, who shares the same values. That person will have a chance of really evolving into your life partner and your soul mate.
... Ian Kerner
author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation, the Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders
courtesy of Match.com
because love doesn't come with instructions
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