The privileged driver

Driving is a privilege and not a right, according to the law. Unfortunately, not everyone with a driver’s license should be considered privileged. With more than twenty years of driving experience, I would like to rank these driver’s based on their driving capabilities.

Here is my assessment of America’s privileged:

The NASCAR Reject: Although these drivers aren’t on the race circuit, they still feel the need for speed. Watch out for these speed demons because it’s imperative they surpass the speed limit. These daredevils scoff at the site of a traffic ticket. The only people who love these drivers are their spouses. They are also known to have at least one lead foot.

The Maestro: The Maestro is constantly throwing their hands up in disgust. If they aren’t throwing their hands in the air, they are throwing middle fingers. Only these self-appointed driving gurus are qualified to decide who is either driving too slow or too fast. You will recognize these experts because their hands are everywhere except on their steering wheel.

The Garbage Scow Commander: This driver constantly throws garbage out of their windows. It could be a pop bottle, cigarette butt, or even a pair of shoes. Have you ever seen a pair of old shoes along a highway? I always wondered how these shoes found their way onto the roadside. They probably fell off of a garbage scow. Proceed with caution or you may end up with a newspaper on your hood.

The Rear Rider: They feel the need to ride your tail. If you came to a sudden stop, they would be in your backseat.

The Telepath: I know you think you can transfer your telepathic powers to me. Since I can’t read your telepathic signals, please use your turn signal.

The Multi Tasker: This person uses their cell phone, eats and works while while driving. They need to remember they are in their car and not at home. I would rather see them driving a bumper car.

The Lane Changer or the Cutter: This driver can’t seem to decide which lane they want to be in. They move from lane to lane cutting off those who dare to get in their way. I know you want to save a few seconds but if you get in an accident, won’t you really be delayed? Why don’t you try leaving a little earlier?

Red Light Romantics: This couple feels the need to share their passion with the public. Hey lovers, I don’t mind your hugs and kisses but why not wait till you get home or visit a motel? When I see these lovers, I can’t help but wonder if either the relationship is new or the car is.

The Tortoise: The speed limit is always an afterthought because the tortoise always drives 10-15 miles under the speed limit. Riding behind this driver makes me wish they would walk to work.

The Rolling Junkyard: This person drives a 1920 something or other. It’s usually held together with duct tape. This vehicle may also have plastic covered windows. This car constantly drops its parts everywhere. Have you ever seen old mufflers, hubcaps or car parts lying in the road? They came from the rolling junkyard.

This is my analysis of legally privileged drivers. You can find these people at your local grocery store or gas station — they may appear as friends or relatives. If these people are privileged, I may need to start riding a bicycle.