Dating a crazy cat lady

If you’re seeing a woman who has a precious feline or two (or 12) in her life, then you need to heed this advice.

If you’re of a certain age, you may remember a pioneering TV series called The Days and Night of Molly Dodd, starring Blair Brown as a desperate single 30-something in the big city. In one memorable episode, Molly confronts her next-door neighbor, a crazy cat lady who eavesdrops on conversations through a half-open door. “What do you want? Why are you doing this?” Molly screams. In reply, her neighbor opens her door a crack, and hands Molly… a somewhat limp cat. Yes, Molly’s neighbor was a crazy cat lady.

The reason I’m particularly fond of the scene is because I have dated crazy cat ladies: no, not Halle Berry in that awful movie, but women who accumulate cats (and sometimes dogs) the way other people collect Hummel figurines. These women are very cat-centric—in fact, in some cases it may seem as if the woman in question already has a life partner in the guise of her feline.

Since I have dated crazy cat ladies, this qualifies me as an expert. Here are some tips for dealing with this, er, hairy situation should you find yourself squiring one, too.

Watch your step

Practical advice first: If you’re invited to her place, take a careful inventory of any fur balls in the immediate vicinity as soon as you step through the door (odds are she told you the names and quirks of all her pets during dinner, in excruciating detail). The last thing you want to do is act confident and relaxed, then squish her brand-new kitten when you sit down on the couch.

Rethink your neat-freak tendencies

Even if a gal has one or two cats, her apartment is likely to be relatively clean (and by “relatively clean,” I mean the way your place would look if you spent two solid weeks with a broom or bucket). Multiple pets, though, denotes a level of entropy that can send otherwise sloppy guys screaming into the night. Or, as relationship coach Toni Coleman, MSW, puts it, “No matter how much she cleans, there will be hair, dirt, spilled water and food, litter boxes, mud and possibly fleas and ticks being brought onto carpets and furniture.” Take a look around, assess the situation and see if you can you live with the scenario.

Decide if she’s insane or simply eccentric

In the popular media, cat ladies (and, yes, the occasional man) are portrayed as folks who get along better with animals than people. In real life, though, you’ll have to use your intuition: I once dated a very nice, relatively normal gal who kept 12 cats in a New York apartment the size of a fold-out sofa. The most insane cat lady I’ve ever met had only three pets (which she seemed to believe were actual human children—and treated accordingly).

Don’t jump to the wrong conclusions

Speaking of children, it’s a mistake to assume the typical crazy cat lady is sublimating (insanely, of course) her thwarted desire to have kids. Says Coleman, “Having so many pets may speak to her own unmet needs, which she seeks to fill through her relationship with animals. She may also have a strong desire to nurture, that naturally manifests itself in this way, rather than in marrying and having children. It’s not uncommon for women who don’t want children to fill their homes and lives with pets!”

Bring along gifts… but not for her

Forego flowers (which will probably wind up being tossed due to the worry that the kitties will nibble on their possibly toxic petals). A true cat lady, crazy or not, will swoon with appreciation when the guy she’s seeing bestows dangling toys or small stuffed mice on the true lords of the manor. Just don’t bring food, for two reasons: First, most crazy cat ladies keep their pets on a strict diet, and second, if you give a dozen cats a dead fish once, they will expect you to bring a dead fish on every single visit for the rest of your life. Even if you find true love with a crazy cat lady, you probably don’t want to be on the hook for a regular fish gift, do you?

by Bob Strauss
Courtesy of Match.com
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