Can friends become lovers?

Nearly everyone has had a close friend who’s fantastic, funny and always there when we need a sympathetic ear... and make us wonder “What if...?” True, anyone who’s watched When Harry Met Sally knows getting passionate with a pal is tricky. But if it works, it’s romantic. So if your buddy’s been on your mind and you want to see if you can be more, than read on for some step-by-step advice from relationship experts and real people on proceeding without losing face—or the friendship.

Step 1: Look before you leap

THINK! You might be on the verge of something wonderful, but then again, it might be a fleeting moment of loneliness or lust. While waiting for waves of friendly feelings is a wise idea, you should also ask: Why haven’t you dated this person before? “Sometimes it's simply that you met when one of you was involved in a relationship or something else distracting, like writing a doctoral dissertation, caring for an older parent or whatever life put on your plate,” says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in New York City.

If true—and if this hurdle has disappeared—then it might be time to redefine your relationship. If you both had windows of opportunity to get intimate and passed, then maybe it was for good reason. The bottom line: Figuring out what’s triggered your change of heart is crucial. “It might be because your friend comes through for you in a crisis like no one in your life ever did, and this makes you realize how special this person is to you,” says Mantell. If that’s the case, does that mean a romantic relationship is in the cards? Another possibility is you have given some thought to your patterns in relationships (in therapy or by yourself), and realize you would rather date a “nice” man or woman.

Step 2: Test the waters

So you’ve decided your emotions are real... but what about your friend’s feelings? Are you on the same page? Or is the object of your affection unaware that you could click? To determine the answer, ask yourself: Are you the first person he or she shares good (or bad) news with and vice versa? Is he jealous or critical of your dates and partners? Is she possessive about spending time with just you rather than along with others? Does your friend compliment you as a date would (i.e., “You look beautiful in that dress” or “Man, you’re looking handsome today”)? Is the amount of time you are spending together increasing? A “yes” to several of these could mean the attraction is indeed mutual.

You can also drop hints, which can plant the seed in your friend's mind if he or she hasn’t entertained the idea. Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of “Instant Persuasion: How To Change Your Words And Change Your Life”, suggests trying something like, “You know, I date, but none of the people I go out with really compare to you,” or “I was talking to Jane the other night and when she bumped into us she thought we were on a date. Isn’t that funny?” “If the other person says something like ‘Yeah, I was thinking that too. It does seem like we’re dating’ or, if he or she smiles, it’s a good reaction,” says Puhn. If your friend looks uncomfortable or changes the topic, that’s not a good sign—but since your comment was innocuous, it should blow over.

Step 3: Make your move

You’re sure the sparks are on both sides... now what? Should you lunge in for a lip-lock the next time you’re together and pray your pal doesn’t recoil? The prospect can be terrifying, so consider a more subtle move like taking her arm or reaching for his hand during a movie or while walking around—it’s so innocent he or she won’t likely pull away, and it’ll help your pal get more comfortable with getting closer. “You may have thought about this for a year, but the other person may have only been trying to process the idea for thirty minutes,” says Puhn. “Remember that everything can’t happen in this transition in one evening!”

Bashful types might also consider this stealthy move: “Say, ‘I wonder what it would be like if we were dating,’” suggests Mantell. “This style of musing and imagining is good for a safe but playful start which could lead to a kiss or a conversation about dating at the very least.” If the person says, “Let’s just be friends,” Mantell suggests you be ready to reassure its OK. But recognize the possibility things may become weird. If you decide to continue hanging out, you can alleviate your buddy’s discomfort (and your own) by talking about other people like a new co-worker or an online cutie’s profile.

Step 4: Steam things up!

It happened: You two are kissing—and maybe more. While it might be nice to think you’ll click instantly since you know each other, familiarity can work against you. “The first contact might be awkward,” says Mantell. “Our society is more accustomed to romance built on pure fantasy, and that is harder to do with a friend.” Mantell urges that transitioning couples shouldn’t give up right away if the chemistry is off. “Acknowledge the uneasiness, make a joke saying something like ‘Well, we know each other too well to be relaxed.’” Another option is to promise each other you’ll go really slowly until you get used to this new situation. “A classic sex therapy technique is foreplay only, no intercourse, until both people are really comfortable,” says Mantell. Try it until you have to break the no-intercourse rule... and then you know the technique worked.

One major caveat: While having sex doesn’t have to mean you are officially an item, the fact you’re already so close can raise romantic expectations. So whether you’re interested in pursuing a serious relationship with this person or just out to satisfy your curiosity and keep things casual, it’s crucial you communicate your expectations and hopes—and have a handle on his or hers—before getting hot and heavy. Just say, “I’m really attracted to you but want to make sure we’re on the same page so nobody’s feelings get hurt…” and explain your stance from there. You two may forge ahead even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, but at least it’s on the table. Everyone you sleep with deserves that much, but friends especially do, don’t you think?

Step 5: Announce your new status

If you seem to be hitting it off, you may wonder whether to make your relationship public—after all, you may be excited, worried, or otherwise dying to talk about it with someone other than the pal you just got passionate with! But breaking the news also requires some caution. The rule of thumb here? Find out how your new amour feels about it and always defer to the wishes of the more private party. Keep in mind that as soon as you involve friends and family, there will be more pressure on your evolving relationship, so it’s OK to give yourselves time to adjust.

Also keep in mind there’s a difference between keeping your relationship private and secret. In other words, you may want to let certain people in on the news—especially those close to you both. Those are the people who might feel deceived or left out if they learn your couple status later on. In those instances, one of you (both may feel like you're ganging up) should take that person aside and say, “You know how John/Jane and I hang out all the time? We both realized we liked each other, and now we’re dating.” Answer the questions honestly, but keep in mind you shouldn’t spill all the details; when in doubt ask yourself, “Would I talk about that if my new partner were in this room?” If the answer is no, keep your lip zipped.

Also know that while you may try to be discreet, people will probably start getting an inkling that something has shifted, and it can be damaging to deny it, says Joyce Catlett, author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships. “Don’t try to hide the status of your new relationship by holding back physical expressions of your tenderness and affection when other people are around,” says Catlett. “Protecting yourself this way can have negative consequences and can make you feel more self-conscious or awkward, even during those times when the two of you are alone.” The bottom line is, you and your pal-turned-paramour should be ecstatic you’ve found a soul mate so close to home. Who cares if you’re fodder for the gossip mill?

... Kimberly Dawn Neumann
courtesy of Match.com