Does anyone ever wonder why God created Ten Commandments and not twenty or thirty? He probably created ten because he knew that's all we could handle. When he created these laws, he meant for them to be interpreted as written. So imagine if God sent someone today to deliver a more modernized version of the Ten Commandments. Would God add or subtract any? Let’s revisit a few of his commandments and “modernize” them. If I could ask God for a better interpretation, here is what he might say:
Don't be praying to other gods
God: This is a no-brainer. This means I should be the only god around. So quit this Scientology craziness. L. Ron Hubbard was just a man, Heck, I even created him to write coll sci-fi books. I didn't mean for you to worship him. Just how dumb are you people? No flying saucer is taking you to paradise. Stop watching the X-Files and get a life. And for you Star Wars nerds, the force isn’t real either. It was something George Lucas made up. Get out of mom's basement and get a girlfriend.
You shall not make any carved images of me
God: The Golden Globes, Grammys, and the Oscars are man-made awards. Stop worshiping these celebrities. Thy get paid to read something someone else wrote for them. Ever heard of a teleprompter? Similar concept. Also ask yourself why you would idolize someone who eats, sleeps, and poops like you. Repeat after me... they just have more money than you. It doesn't make them better, just richer.
Don't use my name in vain
God: Stop using my name to curse people. I don’t like when you all damn each other to Hell. And stop blaming me for your ignorance. If you do stupid things, don’t blame me. Take responsibility for your own actions. And don’t blame Satan either. He didn’t make you do anything you didn’t already want to do.
Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy
God: Okay, I get it. This one is a little harsh. This means for you to keep a day in your calendar open for me. When I made this commandment, there was no Walmart or Awful Waffle open 24/7. I would like you to attend church on Sunday if you can find a decent one. Good luck with finding a preacher that doesn't claim to have me on speed dial. I can let this one slide. Just give me a thanks here and there and we are good. Besides, man can’t live on bread alone. And you won’t catch me in Walmart anytime soon. Have you seen the lunatics that shop there? No thanks.
Honor Mom and Dad
God: Respect and obey your parents. Sometimes this one makes me cringe. With so many idiots having kids these days, this could be another one that's okay to slide on. Yes, I can understand why they don't deserve your respect but do what they say. But if they are really so stupid that you cannot even consider honoring them, just fake it since you only have to stay there until you turn 18. Then you can go off to college, the military, or move out into your own apartment.
Thou shalt not kill
God: You have really taken this one out of context. When I said don’t kill anyone, I didn’t use the word “except." I meant for you not to kill anyone. So why are you fools fighting wars and killing each other? Don’t you know that war doesn’t solve anything? It just means that none of you can get along. And you all claim to be civilized. Hah! That’s a joke. And who gave people the authority to kill others anyway? I am the creator of life. So why do you think you can terminate something I created? When I sent the flood to destroy you idiots, I should have kept the dinosaurs. At least they killed each other for food and not personal gain. I mean, only humans kill animals and keep their heads as trophies.
Thou shalt not commit adultery
God: Easy one here. Don't fool around on your husband or wife. And no, celebrities, athletes, and politicians don’t get an exemption. If you want to play around, then don’t get married. When you get married, you are supposed to stick with the same partner forever. Yeah, I know, forever can be a long time. And for all you old horny guys, stop buying hair pieces and running off with younger women. Trust me guys, they might love you a little less if you didn't have that car or fat checking account. Remember, the marriage vow says, “till death do you part.” So make sure you get it right. And if you are a player, don’t get married. Tiger Woods must have not gotten my memo.
So everyone have a Happy New Year, spend time with your loved ones, and feel free to pray anytime with your troubles because I am always listening.
Love, God.
Don't be praying to other gods
God: This is a no-brainer. This means I should be the only god around. So quit this Scientology craziness. L. Ron Hubbard was just a man, Heck, I even created him to write coll sci-fi books. I didn't mean for you to worship him. Just how dumb are you people? No flying saucer is taking you to paradise. Stop watching the X-Files and get a life. And for you Star Wars nerds, the force isn’t real either. It was something George Lucas made up. Get out of mom's basement and get a girlfriend.
You shall not make any carved images of me
God: The Golden Globes, Grammys, and the Oscars are man-made awards. Stop worshiping these celebrities. Thy get paid to read something someone else wrote for them. Ever heard of a teleprompter? Similar concept. Also ask yourself why you would idolize someone who eats, sleeps, and poops like you. Repeat after me... they just have more money than you. It doesn't make them better, just richer.
Don't use my name in vain
God: Stop using my name to curse people. I don’t like when you all damn each other to Hell. And stop blaming me for your ignorance. If you do stupid things, don’t blame me. Take responsibility for your own actions. And don’t blame Satan either. He didn’t make you do anything you didn’t already want to do.
Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy
God: Okay, I get it. This one is a little harsh. This means for you to keep a day in your calendar open for me. When I made this commandment, there was no Walmart or Awful Waffle open 24/7. I would like you to attend church on Sunday if you can find a decent one. Good luck with finding a preacher that doesn't claim to have me on speed dial. I can let this one slide. Just give me a thanks here and there and we are good. Besides, man can’t live on bread alone. And you won’t catch me in Walmart anytime soon. Have you seen the lunatics that shop there? No thanks.
Honor Mom and Dad
God: Respect and obey your parents. Sometimes this one makes me cringe. With so many idiots having kids these days, this could be another one that's okay to slide on. Yes, I can understand why they don't deserve your respect but do what they say. But if they are really so stupid that you cannot even consider honoring them, just fake it since you only have to stay there until you turn 18. Then you can go off to college, the military, or move out into your own apartment.
Thou shalt not kill
God: You have really taken this one out of context. When I said don’t kill anyone, I didn’t use the word “except." I meant for you not to kill anyone. So why are you fools fighting wars and killing each other? Don’t you know that war doesn’t solve anything? It just means that none of you can get along. And you all claim to be civilized. Hah! That’s a joke. And who gave people the authority to kill others anyway? I am the creator of life. So why do you think you can terminate something I created? When I sent the flood to destroy you idiots, I should have kept the dinosaurs. At least they killed each other for food and not personal gain. I mean, only humans kill animals and keep their heads as trophies.
Thou shalt not commit adultery
God: Easy one here. Don't fool around on your husband or wife. And no, celebrities, athletes, and politicians don’t get an exemption. If you want to play around, then don’t get married. When you get married, you are supposed to stick with the same partner forever. Yeah, I know, forever can be a long time. And for all you old horny guys, stop buying hair pieces and running off with younger women. Trust me guys, they might love you a little less if you didn't have that car or fat checking account. Remember, the marriage vow says, “till death do you part.” So make sure you get it right. And if you are a player, don’t get married. Tiger Woods must have not gotten my memo.
So everyone have a Happy New Year, spend time with your loved ones, and feel free to pray anytime with your troubles because I am always listening.
Love, God.
No comments:
Post a Comment